Welcome to the Abattoir! Here, we perform extractions of lifesaving organs–whether people consent to them or not!
Don’t worry: we don’t harvest organs from just anyone. All of our involuntary donors must meet one very specific criteria: they would eagerly and happily force other people to donate lifesaving organs without their consent. Since they feel so very strongly about this particular principle, it is only right and fair that they live by it!
There is no question that this exciting new program will save untold thousands of human lives. As of January 2014, 120,990 people were waiting for lifesaving organ transplants in the United States alone; 99,201 of them desperately need a kidney. The facts are these:
- Last year, only 14,029 kidney transplants took place in the U.S.
- The average wait time for a kidney is three to five years, depending on blood type.
- 3,381 people died in 2013 while waiting for a kidney.
- On average, nearly 2,500 new patients are added to the waiting list every month.
Well friends, these statistics are about to change—and rapidly. No American should die for lack of a donor kidney when there are so many people so passionate about forcing other people to donate their organs involuntarily. Why, the sheer numbers of politicians and clergy alone should put a big dent in these tragic statistics in short order.
Risk to the donor
It is true that organ extraction does involve risks, just as any other major surgery would. Rest assured that we make every effort to mitigate adverse outcomes: our surgical suites are state-of-the-art, and our extraction teams adhere strictly to best industry practices. It’s not like we’re running an illegal abortion clinic here, people.
At the Abattoir, we hold that the right to informed consent is absolute (unlike the so-called “right” to bodily autonomy). Well, the informed part is, anyway. The consent part? Not so much! Remember, our donors are openly hostile to the very notion of other peoples’ consent when it comes to their own bodies and the decisions they make about them, so it’s not like we need to trouble ourselves with obtaining permission. Beyond that, our donors are clear that once a person has consented to having sex, they have also automatically and irrevocably consented to be a live organ donor. (Truth be told, the logic here escapes us. But we’re willing to give these fine folks the benefit of the doubt, and proceed accordingly: Had sex? Organ donor!)
So in the interests of full disclosure: short-term risks of organ donation include anesthesia reactions, intestinal problems including blockages and tears, pain, wound infections, blood loss requiring transfusions, blood clots, pneumonia, injury to surrounding tissue and other organs, and, unfortunately, death. Long-term risks include high blood pressure, organ failure or reduced function that may—ironically enough—require organ transplantation, hernia, collapsed lung and of course death. Donors are also at risk for psychological problems during the post-op healing process, and even years after the extraction: scarring or other aspects of the donation process can contribute to body image issues, and donors may experience feelings of regret, resentment, or anger. They may exhibit symptoms of anxiety or depression, and treatment for these conditions can be lengthy, costly, and may include the use of medications which also have risks and unpleasant side effects. But none of our donors could possibly object to any of that. We are saving human lives!
Because anesthesia may impair the functioning of a donor organ, it is used only in the rarest of cases. If donors are found to be circumventing this policy by using narcotics or any other potentially damaging substance(s), and the organ transplant is ultimately unsuccessful, donors may be subject to prosecution for murder and incarceration for life.
Finally, to satisfy ourselves that each donor is really and truly informed, he or she must undergo a transvaginal (or trans-anal/rectal) ultrasound, in order to view the organ from which they will soon be permanently parted. For good measure, each donor must also view a live video feed of the lucky future recipient of their organ, and listen to a simultaneous audio feed of the patient’s heartbeat.
Now that is informed, people.
Involuntary “Inconvenience” donation
Certain candidates may be eligible to participate unwillingly in our Inconvenience Donation Program™. This protocol is available exclusively to donors who claim that other peoples’ unwillingness to donate lifesaving organs is only because they wish to avoid a temporary and trivial “inconvenience” that amounts to no more than a minor disruption to the person’s life. While we expect to expand the scope of the program as medical technology advances, we are presently focused on such minor inconveniences as harvesting skin grafts for burn victims and corneas for the blind. Temporary pain, no matter how excruciating, or the permanent loss of stereo vision and depth perception are just the kinds of inconveniences donors should be prepared to endure.
Readers may understandably be concerned about the enormous costs of running such a program. Capturing, restraining, monitoring and locking up a single involuntary donor can quickly run into tens of thousands of dollars. Don’t worry about it! Our involuntary donors are held personally responsible for all fees and costs. That’s just taking “personal responsibility” for demanding that other people not only become involuntarily organ donors, but are also stuck with the massive bills.
Involuntary donors presently residing in the Abattoir include numerous politicians, pundits, activists for involuntary organ donation, a U.S Supreme Court Justice and 447 active and retired members of The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.