‘Tis the holiday season! Some of us are fortunate enough to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, to whom giving gifts is sheer joy. On the other hand, there are people for whom we are obliged to provide token offerings at this time of year, even though they are terrible human beings singularly devoted to making the world a much worse place: a Republican boss, the proselytizing co-worker, that uncle who won’t shut up about Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, your gun-worshipping white supremacist neighbor—in other words, conservatives. It’s bad enough, of course, that gifting these miscreants with anything whatsoever allows them to remain blissfully unaware that they deserve nothing but constant ridicule and pitiless contempt from every decent human being on the planet. But on top of that, you could easily go broke purchasing gifts for a bunch of weasels you cannot even stand!
Well your worries are over, people, because we’ve got you covered. With perfect gifts for every right-winger on your list, there’s something special here to suit every flavor of wingnut—and every budget!
For all the authoritarian “patriots” on your list
Army Guy Candles!
($10.99)
If “I love permanent war and militarized police!” is your motto, then 2½ inch tall Army Guy Candles are your perfect gift. Beautifully cast in holiday-toned green wax in five classic poses indicative of imminent violent aggression, these little d00ds make fabulous surprise additions to any holiday dessert or nativity scene. Price a bit steep for your budget? Consider dividing them up and gifting them individually to all the armchair warriors on your list! That’s less than $2.20 per Army Guy Candle!
For Bill O’Reilly fans:
Ugly Christmas-Themed Sweaters & Tees!
($20.00 – $44.99)
Nothing says “I’m totally against the War on Christmas!” while ironically participating in it like tragically awful holiday garb. Do your part to help narcissistic dingbats proudly display their complete and utter lack of style, sense of color and understanding of religious liberty! There are many ugly Christmas-themed styles of sweaters and tees to choose from, in men’s, women’s and junior sizes. Why not mix-&-mismatch an eye-assaulting selection for the whole wingnut family?
For the Christianist theocrats:
Jesus (“Sweetest Name I Know”) Scripture Candy!
($3.99)
I was at the Rite-Aid yesterday on account of my Umpteenth Annual Holiday Season Head Cold trying to convince the pharmacist that I am not, in fact, a meth dealer so she should cough up (ha!) some of that Mucinex-D, when I spotted these babies. As I’m sure you can imagine, I could hardly wait to get them home! Inside the metal tin are 23 peppermint candies, each individually wrapped with a message—get this—from God! (I know!) This gift is absolutely perfect for any annoying godbotherer: the mints taste terrible, the packaging is revolting, and the bible quotes provide AT LEAST 23 opportunities for mocking right-wing Christians! A sampling:
Mat. 5:3. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (A hands-down favorite of CEOs/feudal lords, tyrants, slaveholders and cheap people throughout the ages!)
James 4:7. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (Wait, how do I tell the difference again? Is god the genocidal maniac who condones slavery, condemns his own creations to burn for eternity, and sends his son to face torture and execution because apparently that’s the only way he can bring himself to forgive everybody else for doing stuff he knew they would do? Or is that one the devil? I keep getting them mixed up.)
Psalm 120:1. In my distress I cried unto the LORD, and he heard me. (And yet, as always, he did absolutely nothing whatsoever. Why, it was almost as if he didn’t even exist! Sheesh.)
The festive tins are elegantly shrink-wrapped for your protection, and truly need no further embellishment. Just write your recipient’s initials right on the price tag! Remember to do the classy thing and cross out the price: you don’t want your gift to be too tacky. [NOTE: not recommended for those who celebrate Hanukkah.]
Don’t forget the special homophobes in your life!
Holiday-Themed Gay Porn DVD!
($14.99)
If your homophobe is also a racist nativist—and really, whose isn’t?—consider Horny Holiday [<—link = NSFW]: it’s in Portuguese and features an all-Brazilian cast! Then you can just sit back and snicker to yourself, knowing your homophobe is “studying” the film over and over and over “for research purposes” and/or “for Christ” while complaining bitterly about all these “Mexicans” speaking “Mexican.” [NOTE: Not recommended for work colleagues. Remember: “HR” stands for HumoRless.] [BONUS NOTE: if you don’t have any friends who would actually enjoy receiving this film as a gift, well…consider making a New Years resolution to get yourself some better friends.]
For the Republican who has everything:
Richman’s International Millionaire’s Club Membership!
($15.2 million)
When money is no object, neither is there any limit to the depth of your deviousness! A Hong Kong-based company is offering only 100 Charter Corporate Platinum Memberships in Richman’s IMC (International Millionaire’s Club), billed as the world’s most expensive private club. Now before you balk at the $15.2 million price tag—which I admit did seem a little high at first glance—consider that this is not just a membership at one exclusive club. Oh no. It’s an “all-access, first-class VIP pass” to multiple yacht clubs, country clubs, golf courses, ski resorts, jockey clubs, gentlemens clubs (*ahem*), supper clubs, luxury hotels and restaurants around the world—thus eliminating the need for multiple memberships! There are all kinds of additional perks, such as the right to own and race horses at China’s Royal Nanjing Jockey Club; personal bodyguards, travel guides and elite escorts (*wink, wink*) worldwide; and an exclusive global biometrics-protected club card with a $1 million credit line. Although to be honest, I don’t know how anybody seriously expects to get very far on such a pittance these days.
Anyway, at $15.2 million, it’s a steal. Still don’t believe me? Just take a look at the insufferable twits your gift recipient will be stuck with—at sea on chartered yachts and at China’s Royal Nanjing Jockey Club—with no escape!
^Just look at these people! Bwahahaha!
Memberships at Richman’s IMC are good for 30 years. That’s a looooong time, my friends, for you to enjoy the continuous pain you’ve so effortlessly inflicted on some deserving conservative.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!